“Hot enough for ya?”  Good Lord, if I hear someone start up a conversation this way one more time in the next few days, I might just end up in a mugshot.  Yes, it’s warm.  Yes it’s muggy.  I get it.  Let’s move on.

People often ask me what it was like living in Florida.  Well, congratulations, because from about mid-April to late-October, this was it.  Stifling heat, high humidity, and that wonderfully comfortable film of sticky sweat on all of your exposed skin surfaces – ahhhh, yes, it takes me back.  There’s nothing like walking twenty yards to your mailbox and then needing a second shower.

Everyone is talking about the heat wave.  There are news stories, internet articles, and pictures of things such as biscuits baking on dashboards of parked cars in mall parking lots.  There are heat index warnings posted for each day, the power company is begging people to limit their electricity use in the afternoon hours (like that’s gonna happen), and doctors and veterinarians are getting lots of media time giving tips and tricks on how to handle the oppressive conditions. 

I’m sure the home improvement store I used to work at is having a field day selling A/C units. 

“Will this fit in the window of my house?” 

“Which one of these will help keep my cat cool?”

“Wow, this 25,000BTU unit is really heavy.  Do you have any lighter ones?”

Yeah, I miss that.

This is also the kind of weather that makes me pine for the days when I had an actual enclosed garage to store my vehicle.  Nothing beats opening up the door of a car that has been in the sweltering sun all day, feeling that massive rush of super-heated air blast me in the face, then dropping  down into a seat that will soon cause a pool of sweat and funk to gather in my underwear.  Not to mention the possibility of second-degree burns I’ll get from attempting to grip the steering wheel in order to do such menial tasks as – oh, I don’t know – turn the car and avoid hitting a tree, the curb, or Mrs. Jenkins.

Good times.

I will say that even with this heat, I’m surprised that there haven’t been more afternoon thunderstorms.  Good grief, the air is so laden with moisture that one can practically cut it with a knife.  Stll – – no rain.  The field corn is starting to curl up and my lawn looks like the final days of the Wimbledon tennis tournament – all brownish and trampled down.  At least it’s not carnival week here in town (but I’m sure this type of weather will be around for its annual appearance in a few weeks).

So what is there to do but get up early, get your outside chores done before 11:00 AM, and then retreat to the coolness of your den, finished basement, or bedroom to ride out the afternoon with a tall glass of iced tea, lemonade, or water by your side.

On the bright side, in six months we’ll be wishing we had this heat, as the temperature drops to sub-zero readings and icy winds whip down from the mountains on a dark, February morning.

Of course, then I’ll be complaining about scraping ice from my windshield, but that’s a tale for another day.

Stay cool, everyone!