This past Wednesday, Wal-Mart #2790 opened its doors just off of the Sharpsburg Pike in southeastern Hagerstown.  Now, if you know anything about Western Maryland, Hagerstown, or our other esteemed Wal-Mart location – the infamous Supercenter #1674 just off Garland Groh Boulevard in Hagerstown’s glorious west end (for those of you unfamiliar with that retail nirvana – read my previous article here), then I know that this news may bring up a few questions in your inquiring minds.  Fear not, gentle reader, for I am here to help.

I took the liberty of visiting Wal-Mart’s newest location on the evening of its opening day, and will try to both anticipate and answer those burning questions you may have regarding our newest shopping paradise.  Are you ready?

Good.  Then, let’s begin.

 

Do we REALLY need another Wal-Mart (and one so close to the old location)?

I don’t know, is “Olive Garden” really Italian food?  Do we really need all of those mattress stores?

Here’s a distance figure for you.

Nine miles.

That’s how far the “new” Wal-Mart is from the “old” one (and believe it or not, it’s only 12 miles to the Spring Mills location in West Virginia).  That’s three Supercenters in a fifteen mile radius.  Is that too close?  Well, according to the planning gurus at Wal-Mart Corporate Headquarters, it was needed.  This location will supposedly cater to the shopping needs of those “west of Frederick” (think Middletown, Myersville, Boonsboro, Smithsburg, etc.).  Now, I don’t mean to burst anyone’s bubble, but if you think for one minute that anyone is driving from Myersville to Hagerstown just to go to Wal-Mart, you should probably understand a little bit about the psyche of the residents who live east of South Mountain (Frederick County and beyond).  Folks on “that” side of the mountain are basically scared to death of the general population living in Washington County (as well as those living in both Allegheny and Garrett Counties).  To them, South Mountain is the physical barrier that keeps the people from Western Maryland IN Western Maryland.  They think it’s all tattoos, roadkill, and pick-up trucks over here (it kind of is, but that’s beside the point).  If you think I’m lying, ask anyone from Middletown how often they voluntarily come west on I-70 over the mountain.  Better yet, ask them to join you at an event or location anywhere in Hagerstown (or any destination further west) and gauge their reaction.  They’ll act as if you’ve just invited them to join Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, and Ned Beatty on a little weekend canoe trip.

 

Is the new location nice?

For the sake of comparison – and the fact that it is a Wal-Mart, I’d say – for now – yes.  It has an onsite-Pharmacy, Optician, and a “Subway” sandwich outlet.  It’s a “Supercenter”, so there are groceries as well as household goods.  It was well-lit and had an air of optimism about the place; however, don’t forget that this was only “Day One”.

 

All of the shelves were still fully stocked and showroom straight.  There were lots of eager, smiling employees busily keeping things neat and tidy.  The new floors were still pristine, stainless, and clean.  I’m sure the bathrooms were still sparkling and fresh smelling as well.  That being said, I’d get there sooner rather than later, because……

 

What’s the clientele like?

If you thought that it was going to be a new start and that you’d be rubbing shoulders with nothing but college professors, young urban professionals, or the cast from “Modern Family”, then you are in for some bitter disappointment.  As my oldest daughter kept telling me as we walked around – “Dad, it’s Wal-Mart.”  I can’t argue with that.  True to form, in the fifteen minutes we were there and wandering about, I witnessed:

• A woman dressed entirely in camouflage
• A family of five who had pulled down all of the hula hoops in the toy aisle and were desperately trying to make them work
• A trio of sketchy, tightly-hooded teens, taking lots of pictures of merchandise with their phones and who honestly appeared to be casing the joint for a future shoplifting run
• Two incredibly large shoppers in motorized scooters completely blocking the middle of the toilet paper aisle while they chatted away like they were at a family reunion, totally oblivious of how loud they were talking (or the blockage they had created)
• A man sleeping
• A cart containing five boxes of ‘Fruity Pebbles’, artificial flowers, and a single dish towel (I have no idea what was going on there)

This was all at 7:30 p.m. on a Wednesday, so yeah – it’s Wal-Mart.  Granted, it’s not the Garland Groh clientele yet (and honestly, can any place ever match the “Barnum & Bailey” sideshow of humanity that is Supercenter #1674?), but the “Wal-Martians” are already creeping into the place.  Unless there is some retail miracle in the cards, I’ve no doubt that in two weeks there will be no ammunition in the Sporting Goods section, the only flavor of yogurt left in the dairy aisle will be “fat-free mango”, and the general state of the place will look like the bottom of a teenager’s school locker at the end of May.

 

Honestly, the people from Frederick County and points east don’t know what they are missing.