More than any other holiday meal, you know what’s on the menu for the Thanksgiving feast.

Turkey.  It’s what’s for dinner.

For those of you with some experience with this kitchen event, you’ll know that cooking a Thanksgiving turkey is not for the faint of heart.  It’s a tough meal to nail, not only from the timing of all of those sides, but for cooking the bird itself, and there are as many ways to cook that holiday fowl as there are chefs in the kitchen.

First, it’s just the choices.  Fresh bird or frozen one?  If it’s frozen, you have to allow several days for that beast to thaw out, especially a big one.  If fresh, where do you get it?  If you haven’t ordered a fresh bird by now, chances are you are going the frozen route.  Whole bird or just pieces/parts?  Again, your guest list dictates what you may need.

How big a bird?  Experts say that you should figure on about one-and-a-half pounds of meat per guest.  Add that all up and tack on a few pounds for bones and viola! – you know how big a turkey to buy (or maybe you need two, depending on how big a brood you’re planning on hosting).  Trust me, this number may shock you.  It’s relatively easy to start contemplating birds in the 15-20 pound range if you’ve got a big family.

Should the bird be stuffed or not?  Two differing schools of thought on this as well, as some folks like the “soft” stuffing that comes out of a bird, while others prefer it nice and crispy (in a pan of its own).  Be aware that stuffing that bird will also add to the cooking time.

Next is oven space.  A big bird means a big oven – and it’s gonna take up all of it for a long time.  That means if you’re planning on a noon Thanksgiving meal, someone is going to be up at the crack of dawn and working all morning in the kitchen, plus it will take a PhD in meal planning to figure out the timing for all of the sides.  That’s why some folks opt to use their outside grill or smoker to cook that holiday fowl, while others challenge the laws of flammability and dunk their bird in hot oil out in the garage.

Seasoning the bird is another challenge that has lots and lots of methods.  To brine or not to brine?  Butter under the skin?  Fill the bird with citrus and/or herbs?  What seasoning to use all over the outside?  So many choices. 

Third is just the actual “cook” itself.  Dark meat is more forgiving than white meat, but takes different times in the oven/grill to complete.  Again, if you don’t want a dry turkey breast or underdone thighs, it’s a complex system of foil covering, meat thermometers, timers, and/or basting of the turkey to ensure all is right with the world.

All I’m saying is that if you’re tasked with cooking the star of the holiday meal, I have nothing but mad respect for your cajones and hutzpah.  As a veteran of many a Thanksgiving feast, I can attest that the stars must align, blood sacrifices must be made, and oaths to the kitchen gods must be uttered in order to get a perfect centerpiece to the Thanksgiving festivities.  Drinking also helps.

How do I do a holiday bird?  Well, thanks for asking.  In previous years, I’ve always done my turkey on the grill (saving my oven space).  I’ve brined a fresh bird beforehand and also spatchcocked the carcass (remove the backbone and flattened the whole thing out) to allow for a more even cook (and decreasing the overall cooking time).  Pretty good results, overall (after many, many attempts).  This year, since there aren’t as many around my table, I’ve opted to actually grill up just a few turkey tenderloins (for white meat) alongside a few turkey thighs (for dark meat).  Everyone still gets all the turkey they want, but I’m not fooling around with all of the other “big bird” antics beforehand or afterwards (don’t even get me started on actually carving up that thing).

To all of those kitchen warriors now earnestly planning their battle plans for this year’s meal, as a fellow veteran with lots of oven and grill scars, I salute you – and best of luck with this year’s feast!