The Butterball Turkey Hotline – Most Stupid Questions
I sometimes question how we have survived as a species and a society. The stupid things I see attempted on YouTube or Facebook videos make we wonder what some people won’t do to be granted a simple “thumbs up” icon.
Another Thanksgiving season is upon us, and if you also want to doubt your faith in humanity, you should read some of the transcripts and texts received by the Butterball Turkey Hotline, a free “help desk” for all things turkey-related. Obviously, some people need some serious help in the kitchen. How serious you may ask? These are all actual questions. Should they be answered? I’m not sure if we’re not better off letting the herd be thinned out by natural selection. Many of these folks are not only a danger to themselves, but to those around them. Read below and be amazed:
“How do you carve a turkey when all of its bones have been broken?”[1]
Apparently, the bird would not fit in the roasting pan, so after defrosting it and wrapping it up, this budding chef jumped up and down on the carcass until it fit in the pan. Bravo, genius.
“I carved my turkey with a chainsaw – is the chain grease going to adversely affect my turkey?”
First of all, kudos for using the word “adversely” in a full sentence, but beyond that – I see little hope for this person. Might I recommend a whetstone and five minutes spent sharpening a kitchen knife? On second thought, maybe Forrest Gump shouldn’t be around sharp or pointy objects and stick to “run-nin-g”.
“I want my turkey to be extra festive this year. Can I put edible glitter in the spice rub that I’m using?”[2]
Well, to quote comedian Chris Rock – “you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, but that doesn’t make it a good idea.” Same here. Honestly, since Hollywood legend Rip Taylor has recently left this world, I can’t imagine who is asking this one.
“I need to defrost my turkey, but it doesn’t fit in my refrigerator. I do; however, have a hot tub in my backyard. Can I use that for a quick defrost?”
No, you can’t – unless one of your invited guests is named “Sal Monella”. Don’t know him? Don’t worry – you’re about to get an introduction.
“Why won’t my turkey stop sudsing up when I rinse it?”
This MENSA member had washed her turkey inside and out with dish soap. Seriously.
If any of
these questions seem logical to you, do us all a favor and order out for this
upcoming holiday. Emergency responders
have to be on duty this holiday season, but that doesn’t mean they can’t sit
around the station and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV like the
rest of us.
[1] Inquisitor.com – online article “Butterball Turkey Most Bizarre Questions” – https://www.inquisitr.com/3666461/butterball-turkey-hotline-most-bizarre-questions/, referenced 11/1/19
[2] Eater.com – online article “The Butterball Turkey Hotline Answers Your Most Absurd Thanksgiving Questions” – https://www.eater.com/2016/11/17/13664734/butterball-turkey-help-line-text-message, reference 11/1/19
One thought on “The Butterball Turkey Hotline – Most Stupid Questions”
There are cookbooks out there that actually tell you how to boil water. These poor confused people need to have one at hand whenever near a stove. If they are this mixed up about one meal I shutter to think of what they are eating the rest of the time.