I happened to be out and about on Interstate 81 while running errands yesterday (in the rain), and it was once again confirmed to me that I-81 is without a doubt the worst stretch of local highway in the four-state area (and no, I’m not including the I-270 corridor from Frederick to Washington, D.C., which is its own transportation journey into madness).

I-81 in Maryland is only a little over 12 miles, but it’s easy to age twelve years behind the wheel whenever running the gauntlet from the Potomac River in the south to the Mason-Dixon Line in the north (or visa-versa).  Two highway lanes (always busy), disturbingly short on-ramps and merge zones, construction that creates constricted flow, bad pavement, and what seems to be like every tractor-trailer on the Eastern Seaboard all contribute to this being a very dangerous stretch of roadway (as the weekly accident reports will attest).  Add to that the fact that almost every vehicle is attempting to travel at well over the posted speed limit of 65 MPH, and any trip on Interstate 81 turns into a white-knuckle, teeth-grinding, adrenaline boost.

Not only is the road itself a cause for concern, but I was also noticing the various types of drivers that traverse these roadways.  I was taught in Driver’s Education way back in the day to always drive “defensively” – a mantra that has saved me on more than one occasion (thank you, Mr. Sokol).  The mish-mash of personalities on the highway inspired me to present you with this handy guide to the types of drivers you will encounter on the holiday roads:

The Cannonballer

Life is all about shaving off a few seconds for these freaks.  The highway is one big open raceway, where high-speed cruising and frequent lane changing is not only encouraged, but necessary in order to set new time records from point “A” to point “B”.  These are the folks that flash their headlights at you in the fast lane when they are 300 yards behind you, as any reason to remove their foot from the accelerator is blasphemous.  Their dashboards are loaded with radar jammers, GPS navigation systems, and empty Red Bull containers.  If you are blocking their way, they ride so close to your rear bumper that you can identify their brand of mouthwash.  For goodness sake, clear a path for these people.

The Multi-Tasker

This person is doing everything BUT driving on the highway.  They are talking on the phone, texting, eating a sandwich, drinking coffee, putting on make-up, building a birdhouse – you name it.  I’ve actually witnessed people shaving or working on a laptop while driving at 65 MPH.  Like the White Rabbit from “Alice in Wonderland”, these road warriors are always behind schedule and can’t seem to take care of these personal chores before getting behind the wheel.  You’ll often see them driving with one hand and peering into the back seat to look for something, like a hand saw or perhaps Jimmy Hoffa.  More nimble examples will even be driving with no hands at all, their knees jammed into the steering wheel like they are auditioning for a spot in the touring company of a “Cirque du Soleil” roadshow.

The Turtle

The turtles are the polar opposite of cannonballers.  Their lives are run at a pace that makes a garden snail impatient.  They have never truly embraced the internal combustion engine, and their idea of practical Christmas gifts are things like sleigh bells, buggy whips, or a nice kerosene lantern.  Their favorite color is “brake light” red.  The speed limit sign is their absolute maximum for automotive travel, and even then they’d only go that fast in an extreme emergency, like a breech birth from their favorite milk cow or if they were late for the nightly airing of “Wheel of Fortune”.  Easily identified by their white hair, coke-bottle glasses, or hats worn at a jaunty angle, they are human rain delays – using their cars as rolling roadblocks on the interstate and inspiring poetic streams of obscenities to issue forth from every driver they encounter.

The Weaver

This driver views lane markings as merely a suggestion, not a rule.  They use all eight feet of their lane, plus a little of either the shoulder or their neighbor’s space – and not just every now and then.  I’m convinced these daydreamers and free spirits do multiple shots of Nyquil and then decide to run their daily errands.  These are also the types of people who require the bumpers to be in place when they go bowling, as they cannot seem to do anything in a straight line.  Their hobbies include wandering aimlessly around shopping malls, looking lost at a “Chick-fil-A”, and falling off of swings.  Their favorite sound is the thump of lane reflectors or the whine of the rumble strip on the road shoulder as they meander from one side of their lane to the other.  Passing these folks takes nerves of steel.

 

No doubt you’ll see one (or all) of these traffic menaces this holiday season.  I will pray for you.  If nothing else, make it a game of “car bingo” to see how many of these offenders you can identify, but be sure to stay safe!