Well, this week marks another appearance of Halloween – and this year, it has the extra bonuses of being on a Saturday night, it marks the arrival of a second full moon for October, and it’s also the night we set our clocks “back” to Standard time (an “extra” hour of sleep for Sunday morning).  It’s a spook-tacular trifecta!  Even though the pandemic has put a damper on most holiday celebrations, it seems clear that come hell or high water, folks are going to be out trick-or-treating this year, so of course, here’s my guide on people/houses you want to make sure you visit (or avoid) this Halloween.

The “Big Candy Bar” House

You know the one I’m talking about.  Every year, some older couple spends the extra money and gets the full-size candy bars to hand out.  No “minis” or “fun-size” from this doorway.  Its champagne tastes and caviar dreams at this address.  These folks should be cared for and heralded for the true Halloween heroes they are.  As soon as kids realize what’s going on, their faces light up or they look to Mom and Dad to make sure that’s it’s OK to take such a large treat.  Make sure to say an extra “thank you” at this residence – and never, ever do anything to rock the boat at this abode.  If you even hear that someone is vandalizing this house or tee-peeing their trees, form a posse, hunt these villains down, and eliminate them – before Thanksgiving.

The “Interactive” House

The folks living at this address have waited all year to scare the bejesus out of anyone brave enough to traverse their front steps or sidewalk.  They dress up like scarecrows or living statues, waiting in their yards to jump-scare their visitors, scream at passers-by, and gleefully giggle as they create nightmare fuel for anyone just trying to get a “Snickers” bar.  Personally, I really don’t need to endure accepting treats from a headless zombie with bloody stumps.  I can buy all the candy corn I want on November 1^st at half price.

The “Too Old” Trick-or-Treater

Look, I don’t have any problem with kids getting candy on Halloween, but this is a night for the younger set to have some innocent fun.  I’ll even tolerate middle-school aged kids – as long as they are rocking a costume and have put in some effort.  That being said, once you get the title of “freshman” in high school, as far as I’m concerned, your trick-or-treating days are over.  Nothing turns me off quicker than hearing a knock on my door and opening it up to reveal a slutty nurse, two guys in hoodies, and some vaping redneck – all carrying pillowcases or Wal-Mart bags and begging for a candy hand-out.  That being said, I’ll still drop something in their sack (not the choice merchandise, of course) – just to be safe.  You never know these days – some kid may have a conceal-carry permit and start flashing their piece.  I’m also just trying to keep my car from getting egged in the street.  Move it along, jackasses – your shift at “McDonald’s” starts in ten minutes.

 The “We Don’t Do Candy” House

This house will get a reputation quick.  They don’t believe in handing out sweets.  It’s always something “healthy”.  A bag of mini-pretzels, a mandarin orange, or quinoa bites.  Some places won’t even hand out food items.  It’s a plastic spider, a small coloring book, or some orange pencils.  What is this, the second night of Hanukah?  If I wanted socks, I would have gone to “Five Below” and sprung for a whole pack.  Get with the program, you nutters.  If you don’t want to give out candy, turn off your porch light and watch reruns of “The Office” on Netflix.

Creative Costumes

I’ll admit it, I enjoy it when parents take the time to think up of something cute for their kids.  Watching the cavalcade of costumes traverse my town’s streets is one of the highlights of the night.  I’ll take a homemade gumball machine, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (the notorious RBG), or “Ghostbuster” (with homemade proton pack) over yet another store-bought “Captain America” plastic bodysuit and mask any year.  Families in a theme are also a big winner.  Look, it’s the entire gang from “Scooby Doo” (they even have a real dog and their stroller is the “Mystery Machine”).  Kudos to you, Mom and Dad who get it.  Have an extra “Pixie-Stik” – you know, for the effort. 

What are your favorite things about Halloween trick-or-treating?  What do you dislike the most?  Drop me a line in the comment section below and let me know!  Happy Halloween, everybody!