Ahhh, climate change.  You are really messing with my “four seasons” mojo.  Not only have you pretty much eliminated any significant snowfall from my winter wonderland (we’ve barely even seen a trace the last few years), but now your summer heat is encroaching on my mild spring months.

I’ve just gotten the screen door installed on the front porch and was starting to open the windows at night, savoring the cool breeze and fresh air to sleep in – and what does Mother Nature do?  Hits us with a week or so of near record temperatures, sometimes topping out at 90+ degrees here in the afternoons.

Now, I don’t know how many of you live in a two-story house, but it doesn’t take a Nobel Laureate in Meteorology to understand that heat rises.  That means that the second-floor bedrooms of my 1927 house get hotter than a snake’s a$* in a wagon rut once the mercury starts topping 80 degrees or so.  Some of you may enjoy trying to slumber in 80–85-degree (or more) heat, but I feel like Marlon Brando in ‘Apocolypse Now’, sweating through my nightshirt and rubbing my head while mumbling “the horror – – the horror” at 02:00 AM, schlumping back and forth to the bathroom for sips of water like a crazed, sleep-deprived lunatic.

I hear some of you out there.  “Well, just turn on your air conditioning.  You have it, right?”

Yes, I do have A/C in my house.  Despite my rural upbringing and current living situation, it’s not like we’re having blocks of ice delivered by horse drawn carriage or lighting oil-fired lanterns in the evening so we can gather around the hearth and read the Lord’s Holy Word.  We have all of the modern conveniences that you fancy, city-dwellers do.  I can Netflix or YouTube with the best of you.

It’s the principle of the thing.  I just turned off the baseboard heat, and the last thing I want to do is keep the house shut up and immediately switch on the air conditioner.  My local power provider would probably love it, but I for one would like a respite from conditioned air, heated or cooled.

Spring means a few blissful weeks of window screens, fresh breezes, and cool nights – and I want what the marketing people over at “Spring Central” have advertised.

That being said, I have invested in a few window fans to get me through this heat wave, and the forecast is for cooler, more seasonable temperatures beginning this week. After all, the snowball bushes are in full bloom.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for A/C in the summer months, but for goodness’ sake, hit me up again after Memorial Day.  I’ll be the first one to complain about the heat while I’m sipping on a cool glass of iced tea from the porch, my skin sticky from the humid, summer air.

Until then, though, how about we get back to me griping about more important topics, like the local dogs barking all damn night, which I can clearly hear only if my windows are open.

A cranky, old man like me has to have something to complain about.