I recently had the privilege of attending the Barbara Ingram School for the Arts (BISFA) spring production of “Seussical: The Musical” at the Maryland Theatre.  Let me say that if you’ve never attended one of their shows – you should (they also do a wonderful “Holiday Spectacular” at Christmas).  These kids are putting out top-quality entertainment and are all extremely talented.  Honestly, you’ll forget they are high school kids in less than five minutes.  Some of them are definitely bound for successful stage careers on Broadway or beyond.

That being said, I was once again disappointed by the lack of theater etiquette shown by patrons of the show (I don’t know why this even surprises me anymore).  The subject matter of the production was “Dr. Seuss”, so I get that it will attract kids of all ages.  That’s fantastic.  Exposing kids to live theater is admirable, especially here locally – where “entertainment” often features monster trucks, carnival rides, or stomping around a stranger’s lawn looking at all the junk that they are too lazy to take to the landfill (aka – the “yard sale”).

In this age of technology and instant gratification, the attention span of most adults and children clocks in at around five seconds or so (watch anyone on a cell phone sometime – you’ll get motion sick just watching the screens flash by – it’s dizzying).  Pile on the fact that in the age of home video, families consume much of their entertainment offerings in private, where they are free to eat, yell, jump up and down on the couch, rewind, or watch their movies and shows in small doses.  It should then come as no surprise that little Johnny and little Jane are going to have trouble sitting still for a 2 ½ hour live stage production.  Guess what?  They have special performances for that.  They’re called “matinees”.  It’s early in the afternoon (usually on a weekend) and put on specifically for the “stationary-challenged” younger set.  There’s nothing like overhearing that the precious bundle behind you hasn’t had a nap all day and is already throwing a fit – and it’s 7:30 P.M. and the curtain hasn’t even risen yet.  Hoo boy, this is gonna be fun.  Oh, and stop threatening the little tyke with the prospect that you’ll go home if he or she doesn’t straighten up.  I’ve heard you say it three times now and even I know you’re lying, so don’t think that junior is buying that horsedump for one second.

Still, it’s all about you (isn’t it always?), so I get that you’ll take your family to whatever performance you please.  OK, fine.  If that is the cut of your jib, then here is a list of rules that you need to abide by so that other patrons can also enjoy the show.  We all paid $25 (or more) for these tickets, so listen up.

 

Sit Still

Try paying attention to anything in front of you while adorable Jacob is kicking the living thunder out of the back of your seat (with those hard soled baby-shoes on or his brand new “Sketchers”).  You see it happening.  Tell him to stop it.  Heck, do all of us a favor (yourself included) and give him a dose of “NyQuil” (the green kind) thirty minutes before the show.  He’ll be out like a light five minutes in and won’t bother anyone for the duration (this should be standard procedure on airline flights as well).  Another thing – take yourself and the kids to the bathroom before the performance begins (and at intermission as well).  I understand that nature calls, but it would call a lot less if you weren’t lugging around 32 ounces of bottled water (in that designer BPA-free container) or your Starbucks Frappuccino with you every waking moment of the day.  This isn’t a spontaneous trek through the Gobi Desert, where personal hydration is a pressing concern.  Just saying.

 

Dress Appropriately

Wow, ladies.  Sweatpants at the theater?  Impressive.  In addition, believe it or not, but there are denim jeans that come without holes or rips in them.  Some of you look like you’ve had a deadly encounter with a mountain lion in the parking garage.  I’m not saying this is a baptism, but the words “business casual” could go a long way in assisting some of your fashion decisions.  And fellas?  About the hat thing.  This isn’t an Orioles double-header or seats in “Turn One” at the Hagerstown Speedway.  You don’t need to wear your baseball hat indoors.  Take it off, please.  I know, you really love your John Deere mower – and where on earth would you rest your sunglasses (that you are wearing on top of your hat – inside the theater)?  Trust me, you won’t need them.  If the lights are that bright on you, guess what?  You’re on the stage, Rufus.

 

Turn Off That %#&*ing Phone!

How hard is this?  Do I need to hear your “Shouting Goat” ring tone right in the middle of Act I because you are too forgetful to turn off your cellphone?  How many people have to remind you?  It’s written in the program.  They announce it before the show.  The LEAST you can do is put it on “vibrate” mode.  Is it that difficult?  Don’t be “that guy” or “that girl”.  You know you hear that collective groan when it goes off.  You can feel the stares.  Trust me – no one is that important.  Turn it off.

 

Be Quiet

It’s very simple.  Shut.  Up.  If you must speak, have you ever heard of a whisper?  Nahh, I didn’t think so.  Honestly, as an adult – do you need to have “Dr. Seuss” explained to you?  Why don’t you just watch the show?  Maybe your plot questions will be answered.  If this is too much for you, maybe you should stay at home and be entertained by simpler fare, like reruns of “F-Troop”, pop-up books, or the latest episode of “The Big Bang Theory”.  Also, during the performance, I’m not interested in hearing about how Aunt Cindy’s boyfriend is cheating on her with that tramp Elsie at work – and neither are rows “E” through “G” around us.  You can tear them to ribbons once the curtain goes down after the show – on the ride home.

 

Must We Eat 24 x 7?

Unless your Type II Diabetes is completely out of control, there’s probably not a compelling reason to bring all the candy you could carry from “Five Below” into the theater to enjoy during the performance.  That non-stop crinkling of plastic and paper all over the theater during the show grates on me like people who grind their teeth, pop their gum, or run their nails on a chalkboard.  Here’s another question.  Does anyone eat with their mouth shut anymore?  It’s a symphony of crunches, lip smacks, and swallows loud enough for Helen Keller to say “OK – I’ve got it” from three rows in front of you.

 

What are your experiences at the theater?  Drop me a line in the “comments” section below.