I love to go out to eat.  If I won the lottery tomorrow, most of my winnings would probably be spent on fine food and drink in high-end restaurants.  I’ve seen (and known) a lot of waiters and waitresses in my day, and I can tell you that there are certain things I expect from them.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the “front of the house” in a restaurant is a tough job, where people spend hours on their feet trying to please others and create an enjoyable dining experience, but there are things that drive me insane when sitting down to a meal with friends and family.  While good service can’t save a bad meal, poor service certainly can torpedo a good one.

Here are some things that are immediate “red flags” for me when dealing with folks in the serving profession:

 

Not Writing the Order Down

OK, I get it.  You’re a professional.  That’s great.  I applaud your skill and memory.  You can listen to a table of eight order the soup, salad, and entrée orders and then bring back what was selected without writing anything down (truth be told, you’ll enter it into the POS system when you get in the back, but I digress).  I’ll admit, when it’s done correctly, it’s impressive, but here’s the thing – if you’re going to attempt it – you had better get it right, because the first thing that comes out incorrect or is delivered to the wrong person?  I’ll be the one to sarcastically chime in with the “Strike” noise from ‘Family Feud’ (“Survey says? – bzzzzzzzzzzz”).  Guess how you prevent that type of situation from happening?  Write it down.

 

The Reach Across

I absolutely hate the “reach across”.  The server presents me with my plate and I’m forced to lean back so I don’t swallow his or her elbow, which has been jammed in my face as the platter or bowl is placed in front of me.  Even worse is when I’ll get stretched over like a rotting corpse to deliver a plate of food to someone else at the table.  That’s just lazy (unless you’re sitting in a booth an there’s no other choice – and even then the server should say “excuse me” or apologize for the move).  This should be taught in “Service 101”.  A waiter or waitress should NEVER reach in front of you.  Serve from the right or left side, be consistent, and you’ll never hear a harsh word from me.

 

Clearing the Table

This oversight absolutely infuriates my wife.  We’ve finished our salads and the entrée comes to the table.  Instead of removing the empty plates, the server squeezes in the mains and leaves the rest, so we’re slowing collecting or stacking an assortment of dirty dishes.  If it’s finished or empty, take it away (or at least ask if it can be removed).  There’s nothing worse than going out for a nice dinner and bussing your own table.  I also cringe when I hear “you want to keep your knife?” – pointing to it on my empty appetizer plate as they grab it.  I don’t know – was that the last one?  Is this “Colonel Buckhorn’s Chicken Shack?”  You know what?  It’s not that hard to bring me another one.

 

The Helicopter

The food has just been delivered.  30 seconds have gone by and my server drops in to ask “how is everything?”  Well, I don’t know yet, Skeetch – how about giving me a chance to take a breath and chew something?  For the next hour, every time I turn around, there’s someone standing at my table.  I’m all for being attentive, but this is borderline stalking.  I’ve seen less clingy Koala bears.  Two or three checks during dinner is all I require, thank you very much.  If something comes up other than that, I’ll make eye contact to get your attention.  Another thing – while I like having a full water glass, you don’t have to top me off after every sip.  Is there a sales rep from “Aquafina” in the back shouting “keep pushing the product?”  Hit me up when the glass hits the ¼ mark.  For goodness sake, my teeth are floating.

 

Scatter Service

This is a type of service style where no matter who your waiter or waitress is, whenever the food is ready it is delivered to your table – by whomever happens to be at the pass line in the kitchen.  This leads to what I like to call “the Great American Food Auction”.  A server you’ve never seen before arrives with a tray of entrees and begins to sell them off to the table (“Who ordered the fish?  OK, I’ve got a Chicken Picatta?  The prime rib?”).  Ugh.  If anything is wrong, they then have to go find your original waiter or waitress to see what the issue is.  It’s a sign of a “turn and burn” – where the owners and management are trying to get you in and out as fast as possible so they can serve more customers.  I understand it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

 

The Storyteller

While I appreciate a friendly welcome and am open to find out my server’s name, that is about as far as I want this relationship to go.  Polite banter from here on out is OK, but I don’t want to hear about your day, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or any other personal information.  We just met and you’re reciting “Dear Diary” entries to the table like it’s “Open Mic” night at the coffee shop.  This isn’t a Confessional.  Don’t linger at the table and give me your life story unless I ask (trust me – I won’t).  I came here to eat, not offer a discount therapy session.

 

 

What are your “pet peeves” when going out for a nice dining experience?  Drop me a note in the comment section below!