I’d like to think that I’m a writer who will bring you both sides of the story.  Following my post Monday on the things I dislike about waiters and waitresses (click here to catch up), I thought it only fair to talk about the folks who patronize restaurants and diners all over the area.  I’ve seen some of you out there, and believe me, you’re no picnic when it comes to serving.  Trust me when I tell you that – right or wrong – your server has made an initial impression on how your table is going to behave about 10-20 seconds after greeting you.  Most of the time, they are probably spot on.

Being a server is hard work – and often for little money (other than tips).  Here is a list of the most common types of people waiters and waitresses have to deal with.  If you recognize your own bad behavior below – shame on you (and here is a chance to correct it).

 

The “Office Ladies” Lunch

Who doesn’t like a group of office ladies out for lunch?  Every server known to mankind, that’s who.  Let me guess – five salads, five waters (with lemon), and five separate checks?  Coming right up, ladies.  You all go ahead and keep trashing Margie from Finance (who you specifically didn’t invite, that tramp).  Ohh, and you’ve all tipped your waitperson with spare change by rounding up your bill.  How thoughtful.  Can I have that hour of my life back, please?

 

The Big Party

Nothing crushes the spirit of a waiter or waitress more than seeing eight or more people sitting at one table in their station?  Why you ask?  Because they know that the next two hours of their shift is going to be spent wearing out the carpet running back and forth to the table trying to keep everyone happy.  The Big Party never orders their drink refills in groups, even when asked – “does anyone else need anything?”  No, they order them one at a time, just to see the server move.  It’s like a sadistic game (“OK, when she comes back, only I will order a refill, OK?  Then when she brings that one, you order one, Tommy”).  The Big Party can never remember what they ordered from the menu, literally fifteen minutes ago.  Their entrees are brought and everyone starts staring confused around the group like they are playing a game of “Who Farted?”  The Big Party also wants weird condiments that aren’t on the table, like Thousand Island dressing, malt vinegar, or yak milk, forcing yet another trip back to the kitchen.  The automatic gratuity added to parties of eight or more in most restaurants?  That’s not a forced tip – it’s a “pain in the a**” charge.

 

The Menu Specialist

Chefs take time and thought in preparing their dinner menus.  They work hard to pair the perfect proteins, spices, and vegetables, hoping to create a delicious, seasonal meal that works – both in flavor and presentation.  It’s why the sides and sauces are spelled out on the menu for the dish.  Enter the Menu Specialist.  No matter what the menu says, they want to do it differently.  The Menu Specialist is big on insisting for things “on the side”.  They also love to ask for substitutions.  “I’d like the house salad, but with extra dressing – served on the side.”  Of course.  “Instead of the sweet potato galette, can I just get just regular fries with that?”  Sure thing.  “And for the ‘Beef Bourguignon’, can that be made with chicken instead?  I don’t really like beef.”  (Sigh) Uhhh – sorry, no.  That would be ‘Chicken Bourguignon’, which not only isn’t listed on our bill of fare, it doesn’t even exist.  Perhaps you would care to choose something from the menu that has the word “chicken” in it?   That weird noise you hear coming from the Menu Specialist’s table?  It’s the sound of the server’s eyeballs rolling out of their skull and hitting the floor.

 

The Complainer

These folks are happiest when they are not happy.  It’s inherently built into their DNA.  They’ll complain about anything – and everything.  “Can I have more ice for my water?  It’s cold in here – don’t you have any heat in this place?  I asked for my steak to be medium-rare and this is clearly medium.  What do mean ‘there’s no salsa’?”  The Complainer also does such classy moves as snap their fingers to get the server’s attention or hold up their empty glass and shake it at the waiter or waitress as they walk by – their signal that they are ready for a refill.  The Complainer is never satisfied, and will invariably ask to see the manager.  At this point they will most likely ask for something for free, even though they finished 9/10 of their meal.  They’ll also stiff the waiter or waitress on general principle.

 

The Jokester

This patron is the funniest person in the room – just ask them.  They always have an inappropriate comment at the ready.  They refer to their server as “baby”, “hon”, or “sport” and want to be “the best table you’ve had all night – woo-hoo!”  Their specialty is delaying the waiter or waitress with cringe-worthy stories and new material they are working into their stand-up act for the boys at the local Moose Lodge.  The Jokester is generally accompanied by a host of embarrassed companions who will not make eye contact with the server out of shame, burying their face in their drink or meal until the situation has passed and the waitperson has escaped.  The Jokester is also big on jabbing dining companion with their elbows, nodding their heads, and mumbling “watch this”, a sign that a sexist, racist, or obscene comment is about to be aired.  Buckle up, everybody – it’s about to go blue at table 17.

 

Know any other dining types I didn’t mention?  Drop me a note in the comment section below!