Unless you’ve been living in a cave or your internet connection has been down for the past month, you’ve no doubt seen or heard that one of the heralds of the fall season is the return of that obligatory flavor of autumn, pumpkin spice.  Ohhhh, and it’s not just in flavored coffee at Starbucks.  No, some overzealous salesman at the spice factory has managed to ensure that this seasonal spice blend has found its way into way too many products, including deodorants, household cleaners – even vodka (no, I’m not kidding).  You know a seasonal flavor has gone too far when it starts showing up in a pancake stack at your local ‘I-Hop’.

But, Jim – you say – I’m sure that there are many food items where pumpkin spice cannot be found this fall season.

Think again.

Here is just a sampling of the wild and the weird pumpkin spice offerings available this fall season.

Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn

Hey, let’s take a Halloween treat that no one ever wants and flavor it with something that will make it even worse.  Can we get an even smaller share of the Halloween candy market?  I’ll bet we can.  This must be from the same marketing genius that tried to eliminate “creators” from uploading “personal content” pictures (read “porn”) onto OnlyFans.com.

Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

Did someone ask for this?  Was there an online poll that asked – “if there were another flavor of Twinkie filling – what would you choose?” – and this was the overwhelming winner?  If someone wants to investigate election results, perhaps we should start here.     

Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts

Is someone eating any other flavor of these than Strawberry with the little candy “jimmies” sprinkled on top?  Look for boxes and boxes of these at your local ‘Ollies’ or in the clearance section of ‘Wal-Mart’ on November 1^st.  Four for a dollar – or better yet, we’ll just give them to you.  You can throw them away.

Pumpkin Pie Kit-Kats

This is the one pumpkin spice concoction on this list I might actually try.  I dig their lemon-flavored ones (surprisingly), and although Kit-Kats are slowly going down that dark and twisty ‘Lay’s’ potato chip road (where their in-house test kitchen has just started to say things like “I don’t know, try a dusting of buttered sweet corn and watermelon on them – see if anyone buys it”), I’m willing to give Nestle/Hershey the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Pumpkin Salsa

There are legendary flavor combinations.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Peaches and cream.  Pumpkin and salsa?  Hardly.  This sounds like an answer on ‘Jeopardy’ where the question is “other than anything on a ‘Taco Bell’ menu, name a food item that someone from Latin America has never heard of?”  Pumpkins, tomatoes, and peppers – mixed with fall spices like cinnamon and nutmeg?  Count me out.  I wouldn’t soil a tortilla chip with this mess.

Pumpkin Spice Blends

I know that people are busy and that their free time is valuable, but is it really worth paying $17.99 for a pre-made spice mix that I can easily create with what’s already in my spice cabinet for free?  Have you heard of the internet?  Recipes abound.  Just how much of this stuff does one really need, anyway?  Sure, it will taste great in that first cup of coffee or slathered on top of my buttered toast – but I doubt if I’ll go through an entire pound of the stuff by the end of October. Sheeesh.

So if you’re already over the whole pumpkin spice fervor, have no fear.  The eggnog and/or peppermint flavored holiday bandwagons will start tooting their annual festive horns on the day after Halloween.

Bon Appetit!