I had the good fortune of attending some live performances over the holidays, and I’ve got to tell you something – most of America should just stay home.  Now I’m not going to sit here and claim I have never done anything wrong when out in public in my lifetime (child, please), but I do like to think that my parents and extended family raised me right.  There are certain areas of common sense, manners, and decorum that were instilled within me at a young age about how to behave when out and about in public.  Much of the entitled and self-centered behavior I see from some individuals and their offspring when at public events make me wish for a good old-fashioned plague just to thin the herd.

These observations are not just at live events such as the theater, but these trends also apply increasingly to any outing I’m at – whether it be a movie, restaurant, or even a church service.  See if any of these pet peeves make your list.

Cell Phones

Is there any more annoying device than a cell phone at a theater?  How long have these things been out now – 30-plus years?  Why does someone always act like they are unaware that their phone needs to be silenced prior to a performance?  They even remind everyone in the audience (sometimes several times) before the show, but inevitably – ten minutes into the presentation, I get to hear the sweet strains of Aunt Karen’s ring tone of her Chihuahua, “Pappa Fritta”.  The cell phone is also buried deep in her pocket book, so we all get to hear it at least four times before she can locate it in the dark (and then struggles to know how to turn it off).  Sometimes, they’ll even take the call – on speaker.  “Hello – Karen?  Is that you? What are you doing?”  I’ll tell you what she’s doing, Margie – getting on everyone’s damn nerves.  If the burning stares of hatred from everyone in the room were actual rays of heat, Karen would melt quicker than the Wicked Witch of the West at a pool party.  Do us all a favor, turn off your phone and put it away – before the show. 

Late Arrivals

Look, I understand that sometimes things happen in life that result in a situation in which one can’t get to the venue in a timely manner.  I have a strategy to combat this condition that I like to call “leaving the house earlier”, but I digress.  Maybe there was a mix-up on the start time.  Perhaps traffic was bad.  Maybe a water buffalo was blocking the street outside or perhaps a hostage situation was taking place in the public garage, preventing a swift and timely parking opportunity.  Honestly, I don’t really care, as long as you now understand that you have to wait for a break in the show to take your seat.  Do it between songs, during a set change – heck, wait until intermission in the back of the theater and watch Act I standing up.  Someone worked hard to present this performance – now I’m staring at the rear ends of five people as they crawl over me to get to DD-204 through DD-209, or better yet – let’s take this opportunity to keep standing once we’ve found our spot and proceed to slowly remove fifteen layers of clothing.  After all, this is all about you, Gypsy Rose Lee.  No offense, but I didn’t drop $40 a ticket to watch the shadow play you and your party are now giving us all a “sneak peek” of in the second aisle entitled “Sorry, I’m Late”.   

The Grazer/Hydrator

America is a great country.  You can eat or drink twenty-four hours a day.  Do you need to?  No.  How long is this performance, ninety minutes?  Does that require a 64 ounce bottle of water, three boxes of candy from “Five Below” and a five-gallon bag of popcorn?  I notice you’ve recently been to a “Starbucks”.  How great for you.  Finish it in the lobby and don’t bring it inside the theater.  Honestly, how many mints do you need to unwrap in the next hour?  Take a long look in the mirror.  I’ve seen some of you (how could you be missed, actually).  Maybe a little quality time away from the trough wouldn’t kill you – you could barely get that trunk squeezed into the seat without breaking into a sweat and panting. 

What’s with the Hat?

Gentlemen, a long time ago I was taught that a man removes his hat when inside.  I don’t mean when you’re at the feed store or grabbing a quick thirty-pack of Keystone at the corner liquor store, but definitely for “fancy, sit down events”.  You know, like the dinner table or a court appearance.  Male pattern baldness is nothing to be ashamed of, and I’m sure you took a shower (or someone hosed you down) before you came to the performance, so by all means – take off that lid and revel in the air circulation.  Oh, and now that we’re on the subject – those sunglasses?  It’s already dark in here, so you probably don’t need them.  I know your hat doesn’t – just saying.

How About You Just Shut Up?

The advent of the home theater and on-demand entertainment that can be paused and rewound has led to a troubling phenomenon at most movies or live shows.  People can’t and/or refuse to shut up.  Hey Evan, I know that your date isn’t the brightest bulb in the pack, but if Sierra can’t figure out the plot of “The  Lion King” without you filling her in (loudly) every four minutes, maybe you should just give it up and let her wallow in the ball pit at “Chuck-E-Cheese” for a while.  Yes, Grandpa, that girl on the left does look like Aunt Shirley – can we talk about this later?  For goodness sake, I’ve heard quieter whispers on the factory floor of a steel mill. 

Do you have any theater pet peeves?  Things that really “grind your gears”?  Drop me a note in the comment section below.