So I head out to do my weekly shopping this past Friday at my local grocery store (it starts with “M” and rhymes with “Fartin’s”), naïve as to the scenes that would soon present themselves to me.  Much to my surprise and dismay, the general public, whipped up into a coronavirus frenzy, had hit the shelves of my local store like it was the Lord’s eighth plague against Egypt (yes, that would be locusts).

What’s wrong with you people?  Honestly?

I’m used to the run-of-the-mill, there’s-a-snowstorm-in-the-forecast panic buying, which is generally limited to the milk and bread aisles, but this time it was different.

 Every aisle had been hit.

Every.

Aisle.

Not only were the bread and milk sections decimated, but sections were ransacked that still have me scratching my head as to why folks would stock up on those particular items.

Eggs.  There were three dozen left in the entire store. 

Canned goods, such as chickpeas.  Chickpeas?  Did I miss a memo?  Does homemade hummus offer some sort of defense to this virus? 

Small cans of tomato paste? All gone. 

Bottled water was disappearing off the shelves.  I’m sorry, has someone poisoned your well?  Where are you getting your health information? 

Bananas.  Yes, you read that right – bananas.  Not a one.  Not a plantain, organic, or even overripe banana to be had.  Anywhere.  I asked the produce guy about it and he just shook his head.  “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said.  Who in the world is hoarding bananas?

Of course, the toilet paper aisle looked like the store was going out of business – just empty shelving and dangling price tags.  I don’t know what you all are planning on eating or what you’ve read about the symptoms of this virus, but I have yet to see the words “explosive diarrhea” documented even once.

As I was standing there, pondering why humanity should really continue on, a manager appeared from the stock room with a heaping pallet of bath tissue.  I was actually low (hand to God, it was on my regular list this week), so I just happened to be at the right place at the right time and snagged a twelve pack, fresh from the box.  Notice I said “one twelve pack”, not “I bought the pallet for cash and then started selling the extra on Amazon for $10 a roll.”

The one silver lining?  As you know, I have been on a plant-based diet (read “vegan”) since last November, and the meatless selections were well stocked and mostly untouched by the general public’s filthy and hysteria-filled mitts – so for that alone, I was grateful.

I didn’t even bother to step foot into my local Sam’s Club.  I just didn’t have the strength.

So I hope everyone enjoys their upcoming pasta dinners with canned artichoke hearts, peanut butter (I see that no one likes chunky – I could have told you that without a virus), kidney beans, and tomato soup, because you’ve seemingly bought enough of those items for your pantries to last until late 2022.