Since my holiday preparations are woefully behind this year, this past weekend I was forced to wade into the sea of humanity that is the holiday shopping crowd.  In my trip to the local mall – between a line at ‘Old Navy’ that literally snaked through the store and proof that yes, sometimes ‘Bath and Bodyworks’ is crowded – I took a few minutes to observe families take part in an annual holiday tradition that has been going on for generations.

The Christmas visit to the mall Santa.

Now, at first glance, you may think “gee, what an easy gig.”  I mean, really – gain some weight, grow out the ‘ol beard, and any retiree can be gainfully employed from late November to the end of December (and probably make some good money in the process).

But I urge you to take second look.  There’s more to it than meets the eye.

First, there’s the actual “look”.  Not just anyone can pull off the “Kris Kringle” motif.  Sure, it takes some weight, but not too much.  You want “pleasingly plump”, not “oxygen tank, handicap sticker, XXXL sweatpants, and a T-shirt with copious sweat stains”.   If I want to see that I’ll just wander through the “Golden Corral” buffet line on any given weeknight.

Glasses, of course.  Not horn-rims, but little round ones or half-frames that he can look over the top of with a twinkle.

Then there’s the beard.  Real is preferred, but again, it takes time to get the right length, shape, and curl into that mustache and set of chin whiskers.  You know a good one when you see it.

Next, there’s the personality.  Likable, but not sappy – joyful, but not over the top.  If Santa can drop in a few “ho-ho-hos” and make it sound natural and not forced?  All the better.

Then, there’s the negotiating skills.  Santa has to be more skilled than a United Nations Ambassador about answering requests, being careful not to slip into making promises that Mom and Dad can’t keep (“why sure, Billy – Santa will make sure that ‘I-Phone 10’ is under your tree this year – along with those first class tickets to Paraguay”.)  A “we’ll see what Santa can do” is both non-committal and a much safer response, especially if it doesn’t pan out.  Trust me, kids will give the man in the red and white suit a pass if the ‘X-Box One’ or the Shetland pony doesn’t make it under the tree this year.

Lastly, there is patience.  God bless these men (and the women who also perform Mrs. Claus).  All of them have to have the tolerance and restraint of the Dalai Lama as they are crawled on, kicked, cried over, peed on, and punched by tiny fists ten to fifteen times every hour.  All in pursuit of that magical moment where little Jackson or Neveyah – dressed up in their finest Christmas outfit – find the microsecond of calm and joyous face that allows a single picture to commemorate the season.

Honestly, I couldn’t do it.  Shaking my head in disbelief, I watched the Santa at the local Valley Mall in Hagerstown get abused for over twenty minutes.  Parents ordering him how to hold their little darlings, who were mostly wailing like they had just been given a series of painful vaccinations seconds before handing them off to Jolly Old St. Nicholas.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Santa is open to helpful suggestions, but I doubt if he enjoys being barked at by tatted up parolees who only have two hours left on their supervised visit before having to return the kids back to Grandma’s house.

And what’s with the new fad of bringing one’s pet to the mall for a Christmas picture?  I’m sure Santa just loves looking happy while the photographer and proud ‘parents’ try to position Brutus, the slobbering boxer and Mr. Whiskers, the cat with social anxiety into a Christmas card photo.

My suggestion?  Charge not by the photo, but by how long it takes to set up and snap the “perfect picture”.  Sleeping infants would be all the rage next year (and Santa would probably be happier as well).

So, I tip my hat to you, Mr. and Mrs. Claus.  I’ll leave you out an extra cookie and candy cane at my house this year – and maybe a small snoot-full of “Fireball” whiskey.

Happy holidays, everyone!