There are 4,664 Walmarts in the United States[1].  It’s the number one retailer in America.  I’m sure there are very nice locations around this great land (the one in Spring Mills comes to mind), where the shelves are fully stocked, the store is impeccably clean, and the employees seem helpful and happy to work there.

That being said, if getting your shopping done is of secondary concern and for sheer entertainment value, I’d rank the Hagerstown Walmart Supercenter on Garland Groh Boulevard (store #1674) in the top ten nationwide.  If you haven’t been there (and come on, who hasn’t been there) you need to go at least once.  Put it on your bucket list.

Where do I even begin to explain the Hagerstown Walmart experience?

Even people who love shopping at Walmart have some strong opinions about this location.  Don’t believe me?  Just take a long look at the faces of the people in the check-out lines waiting to pay for their purchases.  They loathe the place.  They are one wrong remark away from going postal.  Slumped shoulders, drooped heads, heavy sighs, muttering to themselves – it’s a living parade of swallowed anger and disappointment physically manifested.  I’ve seen happier TSA checkpoint lines full of Middle Eastern men.

Walk the aisles and just look around.  You may encounter things like a package of ribeye steaks mysteriously tucked into a stack of paint cans, enough camo garb to hide ‘Air Force One’, the complete box set of “Ernest” movies (believe it or not, there are nine of them), a set of steak knives with one conspicuously missing from the package (true story), or enough boxed ammunition that could have turned the tide at Little Big Horn.  How about a cart filled with nothing but two-liter bottles of ‘Mountain Dew’ (23 of them), a bag of disposable diapers, ten feet of nylon cord, and a Valentine’s Day card?  There’s a story there, but yikes! – I’m not sure I want to hear it.

Let’s talk for a second about the employees (Walmart refers to them as “associates” – like they all work for some organized crime syndicate – and that’s not improbable).  First of all – what a happy bunch.  It’s as if the “Sharks” and the “Jets” from ‘West Side Story’ were given blue vests and name tags and told to “work it out amongst yourselves”.  To be fair, these warriors have seen it all and heard it all.  Save your hard-luck story for your priest, pastor, or rabbi because you are not going to shock or sway them with your tale of shopping woe.  They are battle-hardened.  We should send them all out as first-responders on disaster calls, because these folks are not going to flinch at anything you throw at them, no matter how horrific.  They are the Navy Seals of retail.  I’m picturing motivational signs in the break room with such inspiring words as “Get ‘Em Bagged and Get ‘Em Out”, “Smiles are for Losers”, or “If the Baby Ain’t Cryin’, You Ain’t Tryin'”.

The real reason to go to Walmart; however, is to people watch.  If you want to take the pulse of 2017 America, then drop yourself down on a bench at the entrance or just wander around aimlessly and gaze upon the humanity that is the Hagerstown Walmart shopper.  Have you heard of that website – “People of Walmart”? (here’s a link, you lucky devils).  Yeah, it’s like that.  Seriously.  If you’re really fortunate, you may even be present when the buried rage of hundreds of shoppers spills out like hot magma and be treated to a live fist fight – in the store.  It can be epic, like ancient Rome.

So saddle up, kids.  For a cheap date, grab a McDonald’s coffee (at the entrance), take a stroll along the aisles, mingle with the throngs of easy-going, pleasant Walmart shoppers, and soak it all in.

Just don’t make any direct eye contact.

[1] Wikipedia contributors, “Walmart,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Walmart&oldid=759161775 (accessed January 9, 2017).