If you’ve read any of my posts, I think you know how I feel about dining in Hagerstown (here’s a link to a previous article to get you started).  It consistently amazes me that locals complain about “better dining” choices in and around the county seat, yet then fail to support them once they arrive.

Still, eateries keep trying.  It’s as if the only research that’s been done at Corporate Headquarters is that someone in Marketing has grabbed a map, looked at the intersection of I-81 and I-70 and said “we need a location there”.  Sure, it makes sense on paper, but down in the trenches where the rubber meets the road, it’s just not working out.  I’ve always said that you know a chain is doomed once they open a Hagerstown location.  It’s a sure sign that they have definitely over-extended themselves.  Ever been to “Ruby Tuesday’s” or “Red Lobster” on a Tuesday night?  That’s right, and neither has anyone else.  Count the cars in the parking lot of “Boston Market” some time, or maybe a “Wendy’s.  You’ll wonder how they stay in business.

Recently, “Cacique”, a Mexican restaurant originally based out of Frederick, has come over the mountain and opened an outlet off of Eastern Boulevard.  All I can say to them is “good luck”.  Unless you’re offering “all-you-can-eat” fajita night or $1.00 margaritas, chances are your balance sheet is going to be bleeding badly in a few months.  After all, you’re competing against “Chili’s” now (which also just opened their doors out by the Valley Mall).  Don’t forget – they have a big red glowing chili pepper on their sign.  People around here like big, bright signs.  It draws them like moths to a flame (drive towards the light, Emmitt!”).  Neon signs are a “can’t miss” signal for delicious food, right?  Trust me, “Chili’s” will be packed for months (and maybe years).  Look at “Olive Garden” (just across the street).  Their secret?  I’m convinced it’s their bright green, glowing sign.  That has to be it.  People still wait outside to get in.  It’s as if patrons say “I don’t know what ‘pasta primavera’ is, but if it comes with endless salad and breadsticks, I’ll stand out here in the pouring rain and happily wait forty-five minutes just to get in for a taste.”

Now I see that the doughnut giant “Krispy Kreme” is going to attempt to make a foothold in the area with their first Hagerstown location off of the Dual Highway.  All I ask is – – – why?  We already have “Krumpe’s”, which not only is a local institution, but also serves an excellent doughnut (and always has a line).  There’s also the “Home Run Doughnuts” truck, which takes up residence at Huyetts Crossroads a few times a week (and always has a line).  Don’t forget “Dunkin’ Doughnuts”, which also has four area locations.  Hmmmmm, I’m seeing a pattern here.  Maybe I’m underestimating the appetite for deep fried dough, frosting, and glaze in the local area.  As for “Krispy Kreme”, correct me if I’m wrong, but can’t you already get them at Wal-Mart?  Are the patrons there complaining that their doughnuts aren’t fresh enough?  That’s not a review I’d expect from the typical Wal-Mart shopper (especially one from this area).  A more likely question is “where are the five gallon jugs of sweet tea?” or “do these shirts come in any sizes larger than XXXL?” as their store-supplied scooter wheezes and strains down the aisle towards the Pharmacy.

Also making news this week is the “Burger King” outlet on the Dual Highway will be renovated to include a drive-thru.  Thank the Maker!  Getting out of the car and walking twenty-five paces was so taxing.  Soon, locals will be able to just roll up to the window and tell the cashier to give them five orders of $1.49 ten-piece chicken nuggets and a 64-ounce Dr.Pepper without ever having to work up a sweat and get out of the car (but what am I saying – they are already sweating in the car).

Maybe these Marketing guys are smarter than I give them credit for…….