The cold days of winter (although our own weather this year has been a mixed bag) often make folks pine for the sun and warmth of the American south – most particularly Florida.  Lots of people travel to the “Sunshine State” in the winter months to take a break from the ice and snow or to ride out the cold months until spring (aka “snowbirds”).  These same folks often return from their winter repast with dreams of a permanent home in the sun, palm trees, and calming waves of either the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico.

What a paradise.

I hate to burst all of those fantasy bubbles, but I have some bad news for you – it’s not.

I lived in Florida for seventeen years – a transplant from the four-state area’s changing seasons to the heat and humidity of our 27^th state.  Then, I moved back.  There were a lot of reasons for my decision to come back to the Mid-Atlantic region, but many of them were weather-related.

Here are a few things for you to consider if you are contemplating a permanent move to the Florida sun.

 

The Heat

Be careful what you wish for, because if you love the heat, you’re going to get it.  Locals will tell you that there are only three seasons in Florida – early summer, late summer, and next summer.  The temperature gauge for Florida hits 90 and above beginning in March – and doesn’t let up until mid-November.  Enjoy the feeling of 90% (and above) humidity – every single day.  Imagine first and second-degree burns simply by getting into your car and touching the steering wheel or seat.  Think of returning from a trip to the mailbox at the end of the driveway drenched in sweat.  Picture October “trick-or-treaters” slathered in SPF 45 sunblock.  Florida neighborhoods look like ghost towns in the summer.  There is no one outside, there are no kids playing in yards, and no pets outdoors.  All you’ll hear is the hum and whine of air conditioning units as folks hunker down in the cool of their homes and businesses.  There are two types of people you’ll see at all those theme parks and the beaches in July and August – tourists and the mentally unstable.

 

The Bugs

The sub-tropical heat brings out sub-tropical insects (that don’t disappear in the winter months).  The mosquitoes in Florida are legendary, and with good reason.  I’m talking prehistoric-sized creatures out of a 1950’s monster movie.  They should be considered the state bird.  I’ve experienced evenings when I’ve had so much blood taken that the flying fiends have offered me a glass of juice and a muffin before I returned indoors.  Florida mosquitoes also have the added attraction of carrying lots of fun, hard to cure tropical diseases, thanks to the hot and muggy climate.  Hurray!  I just wanted to mow my grass and ended up with a weird strain of West Nile virus, malaria, zika, or encephalitis.  Let’s also not forget the “no-see-ums” (small midges or sandflies), fire ants, black widow spiders, deer ticks, hornets, and yes – even scorpions.  Lots of bugs in Florida think people are delicious – and can treat themselves to a taste year-round.

 

The Summer Storms

Do you like thunderstorms?  Do you like rain that comes down in buckets one minute and then literally disappears into thin air?  I’ve seen downpours where I’ve lost visual contact with the house across the street because of the rain and not a drop was falling on my roof.  A late-afternoon Florida thunderstorm is mind blowing.  It’s where the term “flash-flood” was invented.  Rain bouncing from the ground or pavement will have you saying “why are my thighs wet?” – even though you are holding an umbrella or standing under an awning.  You’ll start looking for animals lining up in pairs at large, wooden structures.  How about lightning?  Florida averages 3500 strikes – a day [1].  Nothing tests the absorbency of your cotton undies faster than a bolt of lightning that hits (with no warning) within 25 yards of wherever you may be standing – guaranteed.  Even indoors, you’ll exhale in nervous laughter and shout obscenities in the same breath.

 

Hurricanes

If you like thunderstorms then you’ll absolutely love hurricanes – and you’ll have the chance to possibly experience one for six months out of every year.  From June to November, you’ll watch the southern Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico like a World War II naval commander chasing German submarines – tracking storms, preparing supplies, and establishing escape plans for you and your family.  You’ll learn about the many uses of blue tarps, plywood sheeting, and masonry screws.  You’ll become an expert on homeowner’s insurance policies, knowing every deductible, coverage point, and hotline number.  I vividly remember 2004, when four hurricanes (Charley, Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne) hit Florida in the span of six weeks[2].  I’ll take a snowstorm over any one of those events any day of the week.

 

So you can keep your sun, waves, and palm trees, “Sunshine State”. I’ll take the blooms and buds of April, the green grass and hot, long evenings of July, the color of the mountains and crunching leaves in October, and the cold days and snow of January – all right here in Western Maryland.  I know that no matter how much I may tire of the season’s weather, in three months it will change to something different (and it won’t try to kill me in the process).

[1] ABC News, “Lightning Strikes 10 in Florida,” abcnews.go.com, http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=126920&page=1 (accessed January 14^th, 2017)

[2] Wikipedia contributors, “2004 Atlantic hurricane season,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=2004_Atlantic_hurricane_season&oldid=759080479 (accessed January 9, 2017).