In an effort to capture that all-mighty dollar and to pander to America’s ever changing appetite for food that wouldn’t be served to death-row inmates, the fast food titans have come out of their focus groups, test kitchens, and boardrooms with the latest and greatest to tease our taste-buds and empty our wallets.  I don’t know who is eating all of this garbage, but evidently someone is.

McDonald’s

McDonald’s has recently introduced three sizes of Big Mac.  They now offer the ‘Mac, Jr.’ (which is a ‘Big Mac’ with no middle layer), the traditional ‘Big Mac’, and the super-sized ‘Grand Mac’ (which sports and even larger bun and 1/3 pound hamburger patties instead of 1/4 pound ones – picture a ‘Big Mac’ on steroids).  Like the “Shamrock Shake” or the “McRib”, McDonald’s states that these three sizes of sandwich will be available only for a limited time.  Good Heavens, hurry up and bring the car around!  I assume this will be a precursor to the rumored “dump truck full of fries” and the 98 ounce “whipped cream that tastes like coffee” energy drink they’ve been toying with at their corporate kitchens, which I’m convinced are located in the dungeons of some castle in Transylvania.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Kentucky Fried Chicken (or KFC to you hipsters) re-introduced the ‘Double Down’ sandwich in 2015 – a bacon and cheese concoction that eliminated the actual bread that constitutes a sandwich for – wait for it – two pieces of chicken.  It’s basically a sandwich for people who are determined to test the endurance limits of their ‘Lipitor” prescriptions and don’t enjoy strenuous activities – like walking or getting out of automobiles without assistance.  KFC even upped the ante and offered a “hot dog” version of the item (the “Double Down Dog”), where the wiener was wrapped in a fried chicken “bun”.  I wish I was making that up, but I am not.

Taco Bell

Last year, Taco Bell had the ‘Doritos’ taco shell.  This year, they have the ‘Naked Crispy Chicken’ taco – which is a taco surrounded by a fried chicken shell.  I don’t know if they’re serving these in Guadalajara (ohhh, that’s right, Taco Bell food is so bad there aren’t even any Taco Bells in Mexico), but this doesn’t sound like something the Comancheros ate after a hard day of trading with Native Americans on the plains.  Look – if you’re gonna make a Mexican-inspired chicken sandwich, then perhaps that’s what you should call it, but we are talking about Taco Bell here.  They’d name it “Chickachupa”, “Tacohicken”, or something else insanely ridiculous.  Honestly, if it’s from Taco Bell, it should probably be called ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’.  History has taught me that that any meal from that chain usually ends with a race to make it home in time to test the power of my bathroom vent fans and ends with me mumbling to myself about poor personal decision making.  Phrases like “Why did I do that?”, or “Wow, what a bad idea that was” come to mind –as well as a lot of moaning and groaning.

Burger King

Not to be outdone, in 2016 Burger King had a banner year of bad product launches.  They first introduced the ‘Whopperito’, which was a hamburger with all the fixings jammed into a wrapped tortilla.  Wow – why don’t you just stand on the counter and give every Hispanic person in the United States the finger?  They then followed that up with the weirdest pairing in corporate history.  Someone got stoned at the ad agency and thought it would be an excellent idea if the Frito Lay “Cheetos” brand joined forces with Burger King.  Their two collaborations?  Well, these two titans of food first gave the world the ‘Mac-n-Cheetos’ side dish, which were basically macaroni and cheese filled “Cheetos” puffs.  Uhhh, yes – that’s as bad as it sounds.  They followed that up with ‘Cheeto Chicken Fries’ – deep fried strips of chicken (resembling mutant French fries) covered with “Cheetos” dust.  Obviously, orange is the new “blecchh”.

I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait for what these culinary geniuses come up with next.  Please pass the ‘Pepto-Bismol’.