Dear American Craft Brewers:

Hello!  I know you don’t know me, but I’d like to think that I write this letter to you as a representative of the American beer drinking population.

First of all, let me say “thank you” for giving us much better versions of Pilsners, Lagers, Porters, and Stouts than any of the “big” breweries out there.  You know which ones I’m talking about.  The ones that produce watered-down, urine-colored hops and barley that I affectionately refer to as “NASCAR” beer.  The swill that comes in 30 pack containers for $18 dollars and everyone is excited when they get a different colored can (hot damn – an orange one!).  I don’t think I have to name names.  Unlike the huge “mega-breweries”, your commitment to producing a quality tasting product that truly reflects the art and craft of brewing should be celebrated.

Now – let’s get down to brass tacks.  Below is a list of complaints that I (and others like me) currently have with the craft brewing movement:

 

Enough with the IPAs

I get it.  India Pale Ales (IPAs) are popular, but do I need six of them on a list of ten draft selections?  The IPA is a style of beer that is supposed to be slightly bitter due to its emphasis on bringing the hops taste “forward”.  That being said, let’s stop making it a contest to see just how bitter you can create a beer before people will stop drinking it.  “Big-Hop IPA”, “Ultra-Hop IPA”, “Peter Cottontail’s Hippity-Hop IPA” – I’ve had conversations with man-hating divorcées that are less harsh.  Some of you are even brewing “double hops” formulas.  Just stop it.  The ten guys nationwide who are into this are the kind of people who enjoy kicking puppies or are REALLY into European dungeon porn.  Trust me, their needs are not being met by a punishing alcoholic beverage.

Let’s Get Back to the Right Ingredients

I’ve been to Europe a few times.  Many of the small towns there have breweries, and all of their beers are well-crafted and taste wonderful.  Do you know why?  It’s because they limit the ingredients to what actually belongs in beer.  In Germany, this “purity” is actually a law, called “reinheitsgebot”[1].  It means that beer can only have the following ingredients – water, hops, and barley.  Period.  The End.  You won’t find an “Andalusian Pear Lager” or a “Chocolate Cookie Crunch Espresso Latte Porter” anywhere in Germany.  I read some of these draft lists at local craft breweries and I have no idea what to even order.  It’s advertised as a lager, but it says it has nutmeg, camel’s hoof, and the “innocent laughter of a small child” in it.  Hey-Zeus Marimba – what in world will that even taste like?  To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum’s ‘Ian Malcolm’ character from the movie “Jurassic Park”, just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean that you should.

Easy on the Alcohol Percentage

Beer is a beverage that one is supposed to have more than one of, like slices of pizza, Tootsie Rolls, or happy Christmas mornings.  The “amping up” of the alcohol percentage to where it becomes impossible to order a 12 ounce bottle or glass of said beverage seems to be counter-intuitive to what beer is.  “Ohhh, try the ‘Skull Island Reaper Stout’.  They will only give you an eye-dropper full because the alcohol content is 63%.”  Well what in the wide, wide world of sports is that all about?  If I wanted a shot of whiskey, I would have ordered a shot of whiskey.  Let’s keep the “alco-steroids” out of the beer and let me enjoy a glass without wondering if the cops are going to burst in at the pub and arrest me for EUI (“Eating Under the Influence”) right at the table before I even taste the burger I just ordered.

 Stop Taking Yourselves So Seriously

We have special glasses now for specific types of beer.  There are beer tastings and beer pairings on the menus of pricey restaurants.  Hipster jack-holes are telling me about the “fruit forwardness” of the beer I’m ordering or the “earthy aroma of the back end” as I taste it.  Give me a break.  You know when a beer tastes best?  On a hot summer day after I’ve finished mowing the grass and am sweating buckets.  A cold beer (craft or otherwise) tastes great in that specific moment – from the icy bottle in my hand to the refreshing hops and barley taste as it quenches my thirst.  Honestly, if I want pretentious “tom-foolery” in my beverage, there are hundreds of wine connoisseurs that will gladly bend my ear with useless prattle for the next three hours.  Beer is blue collar.  Beer is basic.  It’s the drink of taverns and pubs.  Stop making a reviving craft into an unexplainable art piece.

 

I hope that you will take these notes into your collective brewing consciousness and ponder on it before releasing your next seasonal “Peppermint Mocha Reindeer Surprise Pilsner”, but you probably won’t.

 

Sincerely,

That Food and Travel Guy

 

P.S. – Tell all those apple cider clowns to take a Valium and relax as well.

 

[1] Wikipedia contributors, “Reinheitsgebot,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Reinheitsgebot&oldid=747413527 (accessed November 2, 2016).