St. Patrick’s Day is barely behind us and this year, Easter is only a few weeks away, so it’s time once again to peruse the Oriental Trading Company’s annual catalog for all of those wonderfully weird and questionable toys and trinkets they have in stock to celebrate the Easter season.  Take a gander at some of my catalog highlights from this year below.

Mini “He Lives” Finger Puppets

Yes, your child can spend countless hours talking to themselves in the corner of the room as they create their own version of the Easter story with this select set of finger puppets.  The copy states “all eyes will be on you when you wear these”.  That’s an understatement.  If you see someone on the bus or subway with these on, chances are you’ll slide back a row or two.  Kudos to the photographer for placing both the archangel and our Lord and Savior on the middle fingers.  I don’t know if that’s a subliminal message, but hey, some of these church folk have some dark underbellies.

Mini Religious Easter Stress Toys

Nothing sounds better than telling a child that the best way to deal with their feelings of anger or fear is to squeeze the living hell out of an animal.  This sounds like the beginning of a villain origin story.  “Little Johnny used to squeeze his toy lamb to deal with his parent’s failed relationship, but then, on that fateful Saturday, he was found in the hen house, strangling the chickens, so they sent him away.”  After giving this to your kids on Easter morning, you’ll never see the family cat roaming the living room again, and the dog will also warily keep a safe distance. 

Life of Jesus Nesting Dolls

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here.  The smallest three seem okay (Jesus is a baby, Jesus hugs a scroll, Jesus packs a lunch), but the last two?  I’m being tortured!  I’m in chains! (frowny face)   I have risen!  See how happy I am?  Look at the holes in my hands!  See, ya doubting Tommy?  It’s really me!  I just don’t know.  If I didn’t have the context of the first four dolls, that last one could be mistaken as the cashier of the local “Spencer’s” in the mall, offering me some questionable jelly beans.  I think I’ll pass.

Glow in the Dark Crosses

Nothing says “sweet dreams” like turning off the bedroom lights and having a set of three of these eerily glowing on the nightstand.  The copy says “these crosses are glowing with faith”, and will remind your kids to “pray every night”.  More than likely it will remind them to lock their bedroom door and sleep with their heads under the pillow.

Hugging Jesus Slap Bracelets

Goodnight, nurse, who comes up with these ideas?  What in the wide, wide, world of sports is this?  Your kids will simply love getting a hug from the man himself, as he hangs on to their wrist for dear life like a rabid raccoon.  Good grief, this is as subtle as a face tattoo.  Even at church camp, your kid is going to be eating lunch by himself/herself if they are sporting this accessory.  I’ve seen smaller water wings on toddlers at the local pool. 

These and other exciting products for your next church camp, Sunday school function, or Bible school event can be found at the Oriental Trading company’s official website.  Take a few moments to peruse their inventory, and make sure to fill your kid’s Easter baskets this year!