Let me just start this week by saying that I like dogs.  I like pets in general, as a matter of fact (and I’ve got a screaming, half-blind, deaf, mangy, 21-year old cat to prove it).  “Man’s best friend” and all of that?  I get it.  Dogs are great companions and a fine addition to any family (so ease up on that potential hate-mail).

Here’s the thing, though.  I choose NOT to have one.   Contrary to popular belief (and the wishes of my seventeen year-old daughter), a dog takes a lot of time and effort to take care of.  It’s a big commitment and a big responsibility – and one that a person will have to maintain for ten-to-fifteen years.

Dogs need to be fed and watered.  Dogs need to be taught when to be quiet (and not bark wildly at 5:00 AM every morning when outside, like the specimen my neighbor across the street has – but that’s a discussion for another time).  Dogs need to be taught what “is” and “isn’t” allowed in the house – and by that I mean dogs need to be housebroken.  I don’t care if “Bugsy” is the cutest damn bulldog you’ve ever seen, everyone will quickly tire of “Bugsy” if he continues to drop his bowels all over the floor, furniture, and that one-of-a-kind quilt that you love to snuggle up in (and was made by your now-deceased grandmother).

That means that unless you have a big, fenced-in yard or far-fleeting acreage, the dog will need to be walked so that they can perform their bodily functions outdoors (especially in any urban setting) – and this, my friends, is where I have issues.

Not with the dogs, but with their owners.

Part of the gig in owning a pet is cleaning up after them on these morning and evening jaunts.  I’m not talking about the penchant for “Duke” to pee on anything vertical (unless, of course, if it’s me standing there) – no, I’m talking about when your furry friend decides to drop the deuce.  Makes a deposit.  Clears their colon.  It’s YOUR responsibility (as a pet owner) to clean this mess up (and not just leave it where it lies). 

That’s right, Karen (or Steve, take your pick), you need to take along a plastic bag, bend over, pick it up, and toss it in a proper receptacle – not continue on as if it never happened, because you know what?  Now there is dog s*&t on someone else’s front lawn, sidewalk, or flower bed.

“I’m not doing that,” you say to yourself.  You think no one sees you.  You think it’s not a big deal.  For you, its not, because that pile of poo is not in front of your house, waiting to be stepped on, played with (if you’ve got little ones), or – surprise! – coating your morning paper.  Quite frankly – f#%k you, your dog, AND your entitlement.

I openly despise you people.  Seriously, I wish nothing but ill-fortune and misery until the end of your days.  I hope you get a paper cut that never heals.  I hope your car breaks down on a lonely, mountain road during a blizzard and you have to gnaw your own leg off to survive.  If I were a more devious fellow (and didn’t fear legal repercussions), I’d pick these piles up, bake them into a batch of brownies, and then secretly drop them off on your doorstep to enjoy for Valentine’s Day (my gift to you).  You are a stain on civilized society and should not be allowed to reproduce.

I’ve got a neighbor who just lets her dogs out with no supervision whatsoever (those wrinkly, Chinese Shar-Pei ones), and they come over and absolutely destroy my back flower beds and landscaping with their deposits.  Now, this neighbor knows what’s happening, but she and her family could care less.  However; being the passive-aggressive master that I am, instead of talking to a brick wall of indifference, I simply pick it all up once every week or so, walk it over, and either dump it in their yard or toss it back over the fence bordering our properties.  I genuinely hope that it becomes a visible problem for them and they want to come over and discuss it, because then I’ll gleefully unload on them with a verbal assault worthy of a longshoreman with Tourette’s.

Notice I am NOT blaming the animals in question here.  A dog does what a dog does, and unless that pet is corrected (or their deposits taken care of by the owner), they are generally just happy to be out and about.  The dogs next door slink away when I do catch them in the act, so they know something’s amiss.

So, say what you want, dog owners.  You can come up with any flimsy excuse, but you won’t sway my opinion on this point of contention.  How much do I dislike you? If I’m doing job interviews at work, I just might add in the question – “if you were walking your dog and it took a dump in front of someone else’s house on the sidewalk and no one was there to see it, would you clean it up?”  If the answer is “no”, then trust me – you’re not getting hired.  Period.  End of story.  My place of employment doesn’t need you.  Humans, as a species – don’t need you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to fill up a plastic bag from my backyard and make a deposit of my own.