As I have written about in previous articles, I am spending the summer as a seasonal employee for a big-box home improvement store (the blue one) in the “inside seasonal” section of the store.  I assist customers with their purchases of everything from lawn chemicals and bug killer to lawn mowers, trimmers, air conditioners, and air filters.

Yes, it’s a busy section – and a busy time of the year.  Veterans of the store refer to the summer season as the “100 days of hell”, and between the “inside seasonal” and “outside seasonal” departments (“outside” consists of all of the lawn furniture, plants, mulch, and landscaping supplies), these two departments often contribute 50% or more of the daily sales for the entire store.

So, how am I holding up?  Well, physically, I have entered a sort of equilibrium.  The wear and tear on my limbs is still there (from being on my feet all day, pulling various merchandise, and running up and down ladders), but I have learned to manage the effort.  My weight loss has stopped at the 20-25 pound mark (although part of the halt in weight decline is probably due to the fact that I can now eat whatever I want and don’t worry about quantities since I burn it all off on the job), and I still come home with multiple bruises, scratches, and cuts on my arms and legs (which I affectionately refer to as my “work wounds”).  My kids jokingly comment that “Dad is ripped” when they see me now, and I have to admit I haven’t been in this kind of shape since my Disney days (when I yanked around ice cream carts and walked all over EPCOT for a living).  I wouldn’t recommend this type of workout/weight loss program for everyone, but it has been a welcome by-product of my blue collar labor these days.

Like any job, we employees have our complaints.  Management seems out of tune with what is happening on the sales floor and morale is not very high among the rank and file, but as long as the store continues to make money (and it makes a LOT of money), I doubt that there will be any significant changes on that front.  The company continues to follow the nationwide trend of eliminating full time employees in favor of part time and seasonal workers, and continues to ask more and more of each individual (while staffing less of them).  They publicly preach customer service, but in private are more interested and fanatical about sales numbers, targets, percentages, and labor hours.

So how are the customers?  Well, not much has changed on that front, either.  I continue to be amazed at the stupidity, expectations, boldness, and total lack of common sense shown by most of the general public.  On many days, I am truly amazed that we can function as a society.  If you’re a “people person”, I can almost guarantee you a changed opinion after just two or three shifts on the sales floor.  I have become a battle-hardened member of the retail brigade, and can turn from a nice, helpful sales associate into an unfeeling, surly, and curt employee in literally seconds, depending on the circumstances.  Take some friendly advice – you get what you give.  Remember that wherever you are.  To be honest, if you come into my section with attitude, I could care less if you leave with what you want.  I’ve got 99 problems during a shift, and your pleasant shopping experience is not one of them, especially if you think you’re going to belittle, dominate, or treat me like some sort of unwashed servant.

I could tell you stories of customer encounters that would make the Pope curse.  People come in with no information and expect miracles.  If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard the opening line “yeah, I bought a weed whacker from you all about five years ago”, I’d have retired on Memorial Day a rich man.  I get calls and inquiries asking “what’s wrong with my [insert any mechanical device here] – it won’t start” – and that is literally the only info they are capable of providing.  I’ve had people ask me where the plant seeds were – while standing in the middle of the plant seed aisle.  They’ll tell you they know the manager (even though they can’t even tell you his name) and he’s OK with giving them a 15% discount.  They make up price quotes on merchandise that they’ve “seen elsewhere”.  They ask in a whisper – “what can you do for me” – on the cost of a grill while nudging you, like we’re on some odd version of “Let’s Make a Deal”.   The scariest part for me is that all I can think of is that each one of these people has a state issued driver’s license and is a registered voter.

Customers steal everything and anything that is not nailed down – from grill grates to gas caps.  They stuff boxes, placing expensive merchandise into the cheaper-priced container.  They attempt to return merchandise we don’t even sell in order to get the money or store credit.  It is shocking.  I once saw a well-dressed man have to be forcibly removed by the police for trying to return a smashed grill he found at the dump – and he refused to leave unless he was refunded the money.   There is no “typical” thief.  Housewives try to steal copper wire.  Heroin addicts try to steal pricey tools.  Sweet old ladies try to steal birdseed or batteries.  It never ends.

So, basically, I’ve gotten back into shape, affirmed my belief that most middle/upper-level management (in any company) is clueless about operational issues down in the trenches, and learned a lot about the failings of humanity.

Not a bad summer, really.