Believe it or not, my “temporary” gig at the big-box home improvement store (the blue one) is still ongoing, and I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary in the back areas as an RTM (“Return to Manufacturer”) Clerk.  I’m in charge of trying to obtain credit on anything and everything that you – the general public – bring back to the store for a refund (among many of my other responsibilities, such as dealing with all HAZMAT, sending appliances and outdoor power equipment out for repair, and other assorted duties).  If it’s broken, damaged, or defective, your merchandise eventually makes its way back to my office (affectionately known as “the cage”).

I’ve noticed that I’m always in a bad mood in the cage.  Other employees are afraid to come back to my office and see me.  They drop stuff off from up front and literally run away for fear that I might see them and start yelling.  I call these visits “drive bys” or “dump and runs”.

My ability to curse a blue streak has become legendary.  I didn’t think I had it in me, but there are some days when even a hardened Merchant Marine could pull me aside and say “you might want to take it down a notch.”  It’s actually funny to witness – sometimes I’m the highlight reel of a workday in the Receiving area.

It’s not just me.  Every other RTM I’ve ever met is the same way.  We’re all a cranky lot – mostly because of the customers – and we rarely see them in person from our offices in the back – but we see what they do.

I would highly recommend that everyone spend some time working in either the food service or retail industries, because only then will you truly understand just how fickle, combative, entitled, and self-important a portion of the population really is.  I’ve seen first-hand how some of you act, and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.  While most people honestly just want to buy their merchandise and go home, there are some of you that shouldn’t be allowed near any restaurant or store for the rest of your lives.

Why do I feel this way?  Well, let me fill you in on how this select group of people operates.

 

They’re a Bunch of Cheats and Liars

Ever see a five gallon bucket of paint returned empty with a tag that says “didn’t like the color”?  I get two or three a week.  Ever seen an oven returned that says “didn’t work right” but you can still smell the remnants of the turkey they cooked in it for the holidays?  I have.  It’s astonishing what people will say at the customer service desk up front in order to get a refund.  Once I had a mouse trap come back – with a dead mouse actually in it – along with the return reason “didn’t work like I thought it would”.  I actually laughed out loud.  They’ll return a new yard trimmer box (with the old yard trimmer stuffed inside).  Better yet, some people will return a box with no product at all (just stuffed with rags, newspaper, or other assorted junk) – all in an effort to get a refund.  They’ll buy steeply discounted items from the Habitat for Humanity “Restore” – items which we have donated – and return them to our store for a refund.  Can I even begin to tell you how I sometimes get items that we don’t even stock?  Items from the other big box store (the orange one)?  It’s insane.

 

They’ll Rob You Blind

It’s amazing to me what people will steal.  If you spot an unshaven dude wearing an extra-large T-Shirt hanging down to his knees, missing teeth, and with enough dirt on him to make “Pig-Pen” from the ‘Peanuts’ comics look like the Prom King, and said dude is nervously holding three boxes of expensive Dewalt tools?  Start heading for the exits, McCloud, because this guy is looking to walk with your merchandise.  “Why, that’s profiling”, you’ll say.  No it’s not.  It’s a fact.  People attempt to steal rolls of copper wire from us two or three times a week (one memorable lady had a toddler in the shopping cart with her).  People will go into the bathrooms with unpaid items and stuff their oversized pants full of it – then attempt to walk out.  Teams will distract the cashiers in the Garden Center while another person tries to roll out carts full of merchandise.  People lay expensive items next to the outside mesh fences, then return later (on the outside), cut the wire, and attempt to retrieve their items.  They switch price tags.  They stuff boxes.  They hide stuff in the store (for later retrieval).  They steal the broken appliances out of the junk trailer out back.  They steal empty pallets.  They’ll use bolt cutters on the locked down snow-blowers, log splitters, grills, and trailers out front and take them at 3:00 a.m. – on a Tuesday.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

 

Their Sense of False Outrage and Entitlement is Staggering

I send out mowers to get repaired all the time with the generic problem statement “won’t run”.  Now, in order for a manufacturer’s warranty to be valid, in most cases there has to be some actual mechanical defect or problem in the construction of the equipment.  Normal wear and tear (read abuse) of equipment is not covered (unless you bought that “extended protection plan”).  I’ve seen enough outdoor yard equipment pass my way that I can almost tell what is wrong with it by just glancing at it.  Most of the time (read 95%), its operator error or serious abuse that brings a person in with a repair request.  People don’t put oil in their mower (guess what?  That’s a fatal mistake), put too much in (flooding the air filter), or will say something crazy like “the blades won’t turn”.  Yeah, after you ran over that tree stump and bent both the blade and the housing, I guess it wouldn’t run.  Now, here comes said mower back from the shop – repaired – with an explanation of what was wrong with it (as determined by the mechanics) – along with the repair bill and the words “not covered under warranty”.  Cue the false anger, outrage, and curse-filled phone calls that result once we inform Jedidiah DipSnot that he owes $200 for the repairs.  He wants to speak to a manager.  He calls Corporate.  He wants to make a scene.  “This is outrageous!  Don’t we stand behind our products?”  In the end, he knows that someone, somewhere up the chain will relent and give him what he wants – no matter how outlandish it is.

 

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “why do the stores put up with it?  Why don’t they just say ‘no’”?  Well, in these days of social media and customer loyalty, stores won’t risk someone sullying their name or reputation online for the sake of a few dollars – even if the story is bogus.  Heck, some of our store financial goals are actually based upon customer satisfaction scores, so in the end, it’s better (and easier) to make the problem go away rather than stand firm and try to discourage or fix the customer behavior.

We know it.

They know it.

And now?  You know it.

Don’t be like the people I described above.  Be better.